My young altered life

It started one December. My husband and I were preparing for the holidays when we received a very, very unexpected surprise. For a week or so, I had been having some suspicion of a possible pregnancy. After numerous unconfirmed suspicions, we finally bought a home pregnancy test. I knew that it would most likely be too early to tell, but the suspense was killing me. The test was negative, but as I suspected, it was too early.

A week went by and I started to forget about it. We went about Christmas shopping and attended the usual parties. Just when I thought everything was clear, my husband asked if we should get another test. Mind you, this was after a long day of shopping and spending lots of money we didn’t have to spend. Okay, okay! We bought another test and returned home. Once my husband was distracted with a project, I snuck away to the bathroom to take the test. Almost instantly I saw one dark line and a second very faint line appear. The instructions said that it takes five minutes to get the results, but I knew that if that second line was present, it was bound to get darker. I hid the test under the sink so my husband would not know that I had taken it yet. The anxiety was eating me alive! I peeked under the sink a couple of times but the line was still there. Finally, I called my husband into the bathroom to show him the test results. We were both in shock. I took another test and we got the same results. It is amazing how one tiny faint pink line can change your life completely. I began to struggle with every reality that just smacked me in the face. The fear and anxiety swallowed me up like a massive tidal wave. Knowing that I had a life within me was incredible, yet more terrifying than I could have imagined. How on earth were we going to support this child? Will I be able to finish college? Life as I had always known it was about to change forever. I was already feeling pregnant. My moods were unstable, I was exhausted the entire time, and my breasts were extremely tender. I had so many mixed emotions, but I thought that some how everything would work out.

As I mentioned, it was Christmas time, so we were unable to get an appointment with the doctor before New Years. My husband and I spent the Holiday's with family, contemplating our future life with the baby. The more support we received, the better I felt. I was starting to feel like a Mom and found myself unconsciously cradling my belly with my hands. Each new day I began not only to feel at ease, but I was getting excited.

Well, the time had come to get confirmation from the doctor. My husband was with me during the sonogram. We waited patiently to see anything on the screen, but the technician thought it was too early. The nurse asked us to come back in a few days when it would be possible to see the baby. However, the night before our appointment, I noticed some spotting when I used the restroom. We called the doctor, but he was off that day. The on call doctor expressed it would be fine for us to wait another day to see the doctor.

In the back of my mind I knew something was wrong, but I dismissed it as paranoia. (Looking back, I remember having an extremely strange pain at the top on my shoulder. It felt almost like gas, but I had never felt anything like it before). The next morning, my husband and I arrived at the office. We looked at all of the pregnant women and joked about how that was going to be me soon. We were getting excited to see the baby for the first time. After what felt like a lifetime, we were called back into the room. The sonogram technician, I will admit, was extremely cold and rude. My husband and I just looked at each other and rolled our eyes. As she began to look around inside of my belly, she remained utterly silent. The longer the procedure, the more huffing and puffing she did. I knew from her unsettling groans that something was wrong. She never pointed anything out to us on the screen. But finally, she spoke: “Do you know what an ectopic pregnancy is?” I did because I had recently read about it in a pregnancy book. Her next words were: “You can’t carry an ectopic pregnancy. Sorry hun.” She then turned to her notes and began writing.

I quickly got up off the bed to go into the bathroom and change. As I walked towards the bathroom, I could see the devastation and confusion on my husband’s face. I closed the door to the bathroom and just fell to the floor. Tears were pouring down my cheeks, but I knew that I would have to walk out of that bathroom and face everybody. Never in my life have I had to try so hard to be stoic. I washed my face and walked out of the bathroom. My husband was waiting to embrace me. I was very thankful to have him there. We were moved to a waiting room (with other patients!) to wait for the doctor. We knew that we were now in an emergency situation, but we were in shock. No longer were we there for a prenatal visit, we were there for my own health. There was so much confusion and it was impossible for us to think clearly.

We were silenced by grief, so any questions were inconceivable. All I could do was bite my lip to keep from crying. When I tried to talk, my voice quivered, so I said very little. I tried so hard to just be strong. The doctor gave me an injection that would clear everything up (his words, not mine).

The loss of our child was devistating! But at least we had solace in knowing I would be okay and we could try for a baby later.

Or so we thought!