I have good days and bad days. Ironically, I usually feel bad at the end of a good day. You see, when I think back on my day, I realize it would have been horrible without the assistance of medicine. A dozen thoughts pop into my mind: “How long can I do this?”… “Do people see me differently because of the stigmas attached to pain medications?”… “Can I live a normal life on pain medicine?”… “Would it be right to somehow start a family like this?”… “If not, how is that fair for my husband?” Then, I try to rationalize in my head, “It’s only temporary until they find a cure”… “Lots of people live normal lives yet have to take medication everyday for the rest of their lives.” I always find myself running this pattern through my head on good days. On bad days, I can’t see past the pain to worry about the future.
I wish I could just accept my situation and make the decision to live life to its fullest. I want to be able to move forward with a positive attitude. But in order to live each day without feeling like a hollow shell, I need to know what I am dealing with. I need a name for my illness and to know what caused it. How can I live with this if I don’t know what this is?
Monday, August 4, 2008Links to this post