Feeling Bad on Good Days
Monday, August 4, 2008 3 comments
I have good days and bad days. Ironically, I usually feel bad at the end of a good day. You see, when I think back on my day, I realize it would have been horrible without the assistance of medicine. A dozen thoughts pop into my mind: “How long can I do this?”… “Do people see me differently because of the stigmas attached to pain medications?”… “Can I live a normal life on pain medicine?”… “Would it be right to somehow start a family like this?”… “If not, how is that fair for my husband?” Then, I try to rationalize in my head, “It’s only temporary until they find a cure”… “Lots of people live normal lives yet have to take medication everyday for the rest of their lives.” I always find myself running this pattern through my head on good days. On bad days, I can’t see past the pain to worry about the future.
I wish I could just accept my situation and make the decision to live life to its fullest. I want to be able to move forward with a positive attitude. But in order to live each day without feeling like a hollow shell, I need to know what I am dealing with. I need a name for my illness and to know what caused it. How can I live with this if I don’t know what this is?
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It's very sad, I read your comment and feel as though I'm the one who wrote it. I wish no one else had to go through the same thing as me with ARD and chronic pain..
I also have another problem on the good days. I start thinking to myself 'when is going to start to turn into a bad day.. what will tomorrow be like.. yesterday, the pain was so bad..' etc. and so I am unable to enjoy the good day.
I have been on a very high dose of narcotics for such a long time and I always worry that people think I'm faking. I also worry about what they think of me and my need for medication. I feel guilty quite often, like I'm holding my family back with my constant illness.
It's very discouraging when you go to the ER and the doctor sends you home. He writes 'gastritis' on your discharge sheet and tells you he thinks you are lying and 'seeking'.
Yes, I am seeking drugs. Because I'm in pain and I deserve to have that pain under control.
All that anxiety just makes the pain worse and I'm trying to learn how to deal with it. I hope your able to learn how to push those thoughts out of your head as well.
When I find myself thinking these bad things, I look at the clock and give myself 5 minutes to be whiny and depressed. After that I have to find a shiny distraction and get those thoughts out of my head.
- Sarah
Sarah,
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond! I had a “bad” week.
Thank you for sharing your story. I empathize with everything you have said and am sorry you have had to endure so much suffering! I really like your 5 minutes rule, it’s a great idea. I think I will give it a try.
Thanks for sharing!
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